


Five Times Zack Caught Them Having Sex (And That One Time They Actually Had Pants On)

by VorpalGirl



Series: Demonology-verse [4]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Recursive Fanfiction - Fandom
Genre: 5 Times, AU, Acceptance, Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Succubi & Incubi, Asreoninfusion, Being Walked In On, Closet Sex, Closets, Demonology, Demonology-verse, Desk Sex, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Incubus Cloud, M/M, Midgar, Office Sex, Public Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Shinra Company, Succubi & Incubi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 14:10:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3491273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VorpalGirl/pseuds/VorpalGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Learning that one of your friends is an incubus is a pretty big surprise. Learning he's screwing your C.O., even more so. But there's only so many times in a month that you can be surprised before the novelty wears off...</p><p> </p><p>(Set in Asreoninfusion's "Demonology" AU verse. Intended to be set between my previous one-shot "Unprofessional", and the second chapter of TekkaWekka's multi-chapter story "Hybridization"; you don't actually need to have read any of the aforementioned stories to "get" or enjoy this one, mind, but you'll probably enjoy it even more if you have!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Zack Caught Them Having Sex (And That One Time They Actually Had Pants On)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AsreonInfusion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsreonInfusion/gifts), [icynovas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icynovas/gifts), [TekkaWekka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TekkaWekka/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Demonology](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2541128) by [AsreonInfusion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsreonInfusion/pseuds/AsreonInfusion). 
  * Inspired by [Hybridization](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2828993) by [TekkaWekka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TekkaWekka/pseuds/TekkaWekka), [VorpalGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VorpalGirl/pseuds/VorpalGirl). 



> As noted in the description, you don't HAVE to have read the original "Demonology" one-shot by AsreonInfusion to understand this, or TekkaWekka's "Hybridization" multi-chapter fic that more directly inspired this, or even the one-shot "Unprofessional", which Tekka and I planned out and I wrote and is set just before this one. You can actually understand it pretty well without reading those. But hey, if you have the time, there's a whole slew of these fun and sexy (and in some cases increasingly feelsy) stories in this very same AU 'verse, and I recommend all of them ;)
> 
> This one spun out of conversations between me, Tekka, and Asreon, and possibly Tobiroth, I'm not sure. At some point I hit upon the idea of writing a "5 Times..." style fic showing...well, you'll see ;) It was generally agreed it was too fun an idea not to get written.
> 
> This is my first fic in this format, but I think I did pretty well...? Feel free to me know what you think in the comments! :)

**1.) SOLDIER Floor**

  
Not two days after the Desk Incident in Sephiroth’s office, Zack was walking across the 49th floor, when he heard some alarming sounds coming from one of the closets.  
  
He paused to listen. That can’t have been what it sounded like, he thought. Because it sounded like pained, muffled cries, and thumping, as if someone were hurt, trapped, and unable to escape from —  
  
His face scrunched in distaste, as if he had gotten a Behemoth fart to the face. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he muttered irritably. “They’re messing with the Troopers again, aren’t they?”   
  
It was not uncommon for newbie Thirds to have their newfound power and prestige go to their heads, causing every scrap of Asshole to come to the surface. And one of those ways was, on occasion, luring up a SOLDIER-hopeful Trooper with promises of “Hey, wanna see X private thing in the SOLDIER floor?”, only to trap them somewhere – usually a broom closet – and leave.

Sounded like the kid was panicking in there. “Better let the poor bastard out,” he sighed, and headed to the source of the noise.  
  
He was almost there, and was just reaching for the knob, when the door burst outward, chunks of plaster flying past his face as it was torn from its hinges. He jumped back just in time to avoid needing a nose job, and gaped.  
  
Sitting on top of the door, which was now flat against the floor, was a certain silver-haired General – _with his pants down, no less_ – and underneath _him_ was an incredibly naked (and slightly winded) Cloud Strife.  
  
Oh, he thought, in a numb sort of shock. So _that’s_ what those noises were.  
  
Sephiroth coughed, waving away a stray bit of plaster dust that had been released by the door’s...removal from the wall, and asked: “Are you all right?”  
  
“Yeah…” Cloud wheezed. “Just...had the wind knocked out…oh!” he said brightly, glancing up. He smiled at Zack, and purred, “Hello there…what are you doing up here?”  
  
“I could ask you the same thing,” Zack said, still gaping slightly. “Except I think I know the answer already.”  
  
“Well we weren’t looking for a mop,” Cloud said, and winked.   
  
“I kinda gathered,” Zack said, finally managing to close his mouth, and giving him a dry look.

  
  
**2.) The VR Room**

  
Almost a whole week went by without Zack walking in on them again. Then he made the mistake of deciding to sneak into the VR room after hours to get some training in.

He was surprised to see it already in use, but hey – not like they’d tell on him, if they were doing the same thing, right? Heck, maybe he’d get somebody to spar with. That could be fun!  The simulation that had been called up was of Junon, he noted, right up where the giantass cannon jutted out over the sea, which would make for an interesting element of risk, or at least, it would feel that way. Nice.  
  
He overheard sounds of exertion from what was clearly two different people, and jogged around the corner, and in hindsight he really should have recognized those grunts but really, who the fuck expects to see _that_ in the training room!?  
  
“Gah!” he yelped, covering his eyes because this time both of them were entirely naked, and that was already more than he had wanted to see. “What the hell, man!?”  
  
“Do you mind?” Sephiroth grunted.   
  
“DO I – are you shitting me?” Zack said, and dropped his hands to glare at him, his indignation momentarily overriding his horror at seeing his C.O. stark naked. “You’re the one coming in here after hours – “  
  
“As were you,” Sephiroth said.   
  
“TO TRAIN! Not...whatever the hell you’re doing!”  Zack cried. “Who the hell would call up the Junon cannon simulation just to fuck on top of it!?”  
  
“People with fun sex lives?” Cloud suggested, and damn it, it was _that same godsdamned smile_. The one he unabashedly wore when he’d been caught giving Sephiroth a blow job under his desk. And when they’d torn the hinges off that door. Which Lazard was still baffled about.  
  
“Damn  it, Cloud. Just like, use a pair of handcuffs or something! Don’t just...screw all over company property! Other people have to use these, you know!”  
  
“Oh, foo,” Cloud scoffed. “You’re no fun, Zack. And anyway, who’s to say we _haven’t_ already done handcuffs?”  
  
“I do not need to know that!”  
  
“Well, you’re the one who brought it up.”

Sephiroth was giving Zack a very peeved look at this point. “SOLDIER Fair,” he said.  
  
“I’m not sure you get to use rank when you’re balls deep in incubus and I’m off the clock…”  
  
“Were you planning on joining in?” Sephiroth said.  
  
“I – what!? No! Of course not – “  
  
“Then get out.”  
  
“Sorry,” Cloud said, winking at him – again with the damn winking! “He gets cranky when he gets interrupted that close to com––”  
  
“OKAY THEN,” Zack announced, and turned on his heel. “I’ll just be going! Haveagoodnightbyenow!”  
  
He was back home in record time, and refused to tell anybody why he was in such a hurry.

  
  
**3.) Sector 3**

  
A couple of days later, Zack was clearing monsters in the slums, when something fluttered down in front of him. He blinked, and almost took a hit before snapping out of it.

After he’d killed the target, and before taking out his PHS to note the area as cleared, he leaned down to pick up the thing that had fallen, and frowned.   
  
It was a scarf. Not just any scarf, though: a ShinRa scarf, like the Troopers wore. Had someone lost it…? It had gone straight down, and there wasn’t much wind down here, so that meant maybe someone on the edge of the Plate ––  
  
He looked up a bit too slowly, because if he had glanced up a little sooner, he might not have taken a helmet to the face.  
  
“OW! WHAT THE FUCK!?” he yelped, as anyone would. Well, anyone with a thick skull and SOLDIER-level endurance, as that was quite a drop for a heavy object to take towards someone’s head. He was lucky it hadn’t given him a concussion. He ducked a little further under the Plate, and examined it. A ShinRa Trooper helmet. Well, at least the scarf had company.   
  
He glared at the helmet, then up at the Plate. He was no genius (by others’ estimations at least), but seeing as the helmet was protective gear, and ShinRa property to boot, it wasn’t meant to be thrown over the edge of the fucking Plate. So if he had to guess, either some Troopers were being really irresponsible, or at least one of them was in trouble. So much for quick and easy missions, he supposed.  
  
It occurred to him that if it were the latter, there was no time to take the normal routes. So he took the unconventional one: up the pipes.   
  
When he got up there, he heard a small cry that for a split second, made his heart pound in worry…

...and then a now very familiar, deep-voiced grunt that made all worry fizzle into sheer irritation.  
  
Sure enough, it was them again. And he probably could have let it slide and just walked away, except…  
  
“On the edge of a fucking Plate!? Seriously!? What the hell is it with you two and heights? Do you have any idea how dangerous this is!?”  
  
He was very lucky he had good reflexes, and that Sephiroth was somewhat distracted, as sneaking up on them almost caused Zack to get a chunk of face sliced off. Luckily, Masamune uncharacteristically missed its target. Probably because Sephiroth was far busier with his other “sword” at the moment, and wobbled a little.   
  
“Zack!” he gasped, blinking at him. “The hell are you doing…?”  
  
“Getting helmets dropped on me while I’m doing my damn mission, apparently,” he replied, chucking Cloud’s helmet towards them. “You should be more careful with that stuff. I’m pretty sure I dented it as much as it dented me. That’s probably a demerit or something.”  
  
“Oops,” Cloud said, catching it, and for once, the cheeky little bastard actually frowned a little. “Damn, you’re probably right…”  
  
“ShinRa makes plenty of those,” Sephiroth muttered. “Don’t worry about it.” He squinted at Zack. “I’m still not sure why you’re up here…”  
  
“I got an assignment to clear out some nasties down below the Plate,” Zack said. “Which was an awful lot more challenging with this stuff – “ he waved the scarf, “– fallin’ on me.”  
  
“Sorry,” Cloud said. And to his credit, he actually seemed to mean it. “We got kinda carried away…”  
  
“Only _kinda_?” Zack said, giving him a bemused look. “Kinda. You’re literally screwing on the edge of a _Plate_ , Cloud. How is that only _kinda_ carried away?” He turned his attention to Sephiroth then, and leveled as stern a glare as he could manage. “Speaking of which: did I mention how dangerous it is to do that? Because it is _super_ dangerous.”  
  
Sephiroth scoffed. “As if I would let anything happen to Cloud,” he replied, stroking Cloud’s hair.  
  
Cloud smiled at that, and purred: “You wouldn’t, would you? Mmn…”  
  
“HEY. WHOA. STILL HERE, BUDDY,” Zack yelped.  
  
“But why?” asked Sephiroth.   
  
“Well I dunno, maybe I don’t want my friends falling off the Plate!” Zack shot back.  
  
“You realize we both have wings, right?” Cloud said. “I could literally glide down, if I had to.”  
  
“True,” Zack said. “But do you really figure you’ll be that coherent?” He frowned. “Wait, those things actually work?”  
  
“Far as I know,” Cloud shrugged.  
  
Zack gaped. “As far as...you mean you don’t actually know.”  
  
“Well, it’s not like I throw myself off mountaintops,” Cloud admitted. “I’ve never actually tested it…”  
  
“Yeah, well, now’s not a good time to start!”  
  
Sephiroth sighed, in equal parts annoyance and resignation. “If we retreat to a few meters from the Plate’s edge, will you leave us alone?”  
  
“...yes,” Zack said.  
  
Cloud smiled again, and threw all his limbs around Sephiroth, holding tight. “Well, then,” he purred. “I guess you’ll just have to carry me…”  
  
“O-kay, then,” Zack said. “I’ll...just… go head back now.”  
  
“Please do,” Sephiroth said, without even looking at him. Though, to his credit and Zack’s relief, he did in fact lift Cloud up and start to move them to a somewhat safer position.  
  
Zack shook his head. “I don’t know why you had to do something so crazy,” he muttered, taking out his PHS since, now that he thought of it, he still hadn’t called in Sector 3 as cleared.   
  
“That is entirely your own fault,” Sephiroth muttered back.   
  
“What?” Zack said, and against his better judgement, glanced up at them.   
  
Cloud – who was obviously feeling a little giddy – actually giggled. “Well,” he said, winking at him. “You _are_ the one who said ‘stop screwing on company property’...”  
  
Zack flushed, and said, “Y-yeah, well...technically the Plate is...company property. Smartass…” he mumbled, and, on that oh so witty retort, he walked off, paying fervent attention to his PHS, which was suddenly the most compelling thing in the world.

  
  
 **4.) Lazard’s Office**  
  
  
The next time he caught them at it was about a week later. He was just trying to turn in paperwork, damn it.  
  
He should have known something was up, when he heard sniggering and chuckling coming from inside the Director’s office, but he figured – for some reason – that somebody was merely pranking Lazard. Feeling some sympathy for the Director, he barged right on in and got an eyeful.

He almost dropped the paperwork. “Are you shitting me?” he said. “Even here!?”   
  
“Oh!” Cloud giggled. “Hi, Zack!”  
  
“I could have sworn we locked the door,” Sephiroth muttered.  
  
“Does Lazard know you’re screwing on his desk?” Zack said, holding his paperwork in front of his face.  
  
“Of course not! That’s half the fun,” Cloud said.  
  
“I am never putting my bare hands on that desk again,” Zack said. “Where’s Lazard while you’re deflowering his furniture?”  
  
“Lunch,” Sephiroth said. “Would you...?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll leave you two pervs alone,” Zack said, rolling his eyes. They couldn’t see it, but it was reflexive at that point.   
  
He edged towards the desk, and in one fluid movement, managed to turn away, put the paperwork on top of it, and start walking, without ever actually catching a second glimpse of naked manflesh. “Just don’t mess up my paperwork, he complains enough about it as it is, okay?”  
  
“Okay!” Cloud chirped. But a moment later, he was already making...noises.  
  
“Honestly,” Zack muttered, and gave a silent prayer for the safety of his paperwork. He wasn’t too sure how close to asscheeks it had gotten, and he wasn’t keen on ever finding out.

  
  
**5.) Administrative Research**

  
Almost a week later again, and Zack would never have caught them this time, had Sephiroth not given out a pained yelp as he was passing the Turk offices.   
  
He probably should have guessed what they had been trying to do in there, but he didn’t exactly associate sounds of torture + Turks with sex. Instead, he assumed it was _exactly_ what it sounded like, and the idea that they were doing it to Sephiroth was both alarming, and pushed a weird protective button in him. He reacted before he knew he was going to react.  
  
He burst in, only to find them lying on the floor next to Tseng’s desk, both of them half-naked, bewildered, and annoyed. Surprisingly, there wasn’t a Turk in sight.  
  
“Um,” Zack said, flustered. “What.”   
  
“That,” hissed Sephiroth. “Was a _magrod_. I am sure of it.”   
  
“I...d-do I want to know what…?” Zack said, going a little pale and already sure he did not, in fact, want to know what.

“Jerks!” Cloud hissed after tentatively touching the desk again, and flinching at the contact. He put his fingers in his mouth, as if soothing a burn. “They’ve rigged it to shock you. Who the hell does that to a desk?”  
  
It then finally dawned on Zack what had happened, and he burst out laughing.  
  
The two lovebirds glared at him, but that just made it funnier. “Oh, I dunno," he managed, between gasps. "Maybe somebody who has the surveillance of the _entire_ fucking company at their fingertips and probably knows _exactly_ what you did on _Lazard’s_ desk?”    
  
“Hmph,” said Sephiroth, frowning.  
  
Cloud’s brows knit. “You think the Turks – “  
  
“Ya’ll aren’t the least bit subtle. What is this, like, the seventh time or whatever that I’ve run across you two humping?”  
  
“Sixth,” Cloud corrected. “If you count the office blowjob.”  
  
“Ew. No need to remind me, Spiky.”  
  
“Hey, you brought it up.”  
  
Sephiroth sighed, then. “Well. I suppose we shall have to find another location. Pity. It seemed so private…”  
  
“I can’t believe you trusted the _Turks_ not to know you’d try to screw in their office when they weren’t here,” Zack teased. “They probably left it empty on purpose, just to test you.”  
  
Sephiroth tilted his head thoughtfully, as he gathered his coat from the floor. “He may be right.”  
  
“I’m surprised they haven’t told us to stop messing around in the Tower,” Cloud said, frowning. “Now that I think of it...they probably knew about just about all of those times, right?”   
  
Zack snorted. “Look, you two may be the least fuckin’ subtle about it, but you really think nobody else ever messes around on the job? Out of allll those thousands of employees?”  
  
Cloud’s face was that of a man with an epiphany. “Ohh,” he said, and you could practically see the weight lifting off of him. “So...they don’t care.”  
  
“Well, I dunno, they probably care _sometimes_ ,” Zack said. “Like, you know, they’re not gonna tolerate guards at the entrances or at the Reactors being...um, distracted. But I’m pretty sure you two humping on Lazard’s desk while he’s at lunch is pretty low on their list of concerns.”   
  
Sephiroth smirked. “That,” he said. “And they’d have to confront me about it.”  
  
“That too,” Zack said. He shook his head. “Just...do yourself a favor and try not to mess with the Turks, yeah?”  
  
“Duly noted,” Sephiroth replied.

“You’re lucky it was a warning shock.”  
  
“Duly. Noted. Didn’t you have other things to attend to?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m going...hey Cloud.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
He grinned, and lobbed the helmet at his head. “Don’t leave the new one here, they’ll probably do something to that, too.”  
  
Sephiroth made a dismissive sound, but Zack chuckled as he left, catching sight as he had of Cloud frowning worriedly at his helmet.

  
  
**6.) The Conference Room**

  
Zack was startled to find Cloud and Sephiroth in Conference Room 3. Not because he hadn’t expected them there, but because they were in fact still clothed.

"Ah, man, I steeled myself for nothing!" he said, grinning at them. “Look at you two! Just standing and having coffee, like normal people. With your pants on, no less! Good for you!”  
  
Cloud and Sephiroth both gave him a dry look.   
  
He was about to tease them further, when his PHS went off – Lazard, it turned out.   
  
“Director! ‘sup?” he said. He listened for a moment, and then made a face that would have looked more natural on a sulky five year old. “Oh come on! You couldn’t just bring them yourse–” he sighed. “Fine. I’ll be right over. But if I’m late to this stupid meeting just ‘cause of some dumb paperwork, I’m blaming you, Lazzy.” He stuck his tongue out at the receiver before ending the call. He smiled at his friends, and said: “Lazard’s got some papers and stuff that need to be here and he can’t. So apparently I’ve just been promoted from First Class to Secretary.”  
  
“More like a Gopher,” Cloud noted.   
  
Zack chuckled. “Maybe I should charge him for it. First Class Delivery shouldn’t come cheap, right?” he winked. Cloud just rolled his eyes.   
  
As the chipper First bounced off to retrieve the documents, Cloud and Sephiroth shared a thoughtful look.   
  
A look which ended in a slow, wicked smirk.  
  
It took only a few minutes for Zack to retrieve Lazard’s paperwork. Which was one of several reasons why he was even more flustered than they had hoped for, when he walked in to discover the two of them dry-humping on top of the conference table.   
  
“I – what – I – ” his mouth worked up and down like a seesaw. He was so flustered, he got confused as to which way he should even orient himself, and in the end was forced to watch simply because his brain failed to send the right signals to avoid it. “You…”  
  
“Mmn, what’s...wrong, Zack?” Cloud teased, grinning at him from underneath a curtain of silvery hair. “We’re wearing pants...and everything!”  
  
“You…” Zack’s mouth hovered in the open position, his eyes wide and disbelieving, his head slowly canting to the side. His tone was somewhere between awed and aghast. “You...perfect little smartass…”

Cloud just grinned wider at that. While still humping. Fully clothed, of course. Not that that made it any less obscene, especially with the way he started nibbling on Sephiroth’s earlobe, provoking a throaty growl.   
  
Zack stared for a long, long moment, blinking perhaps once in that entire time, as they just...kept...at it…  
  
“You...really don’t give a shit, do you,” he said. It wasn’t really a question, but Cloud responded as if it were.

“Of course not,” he purred.   
  
Zack blinked again – slowly, as if in a trance – as Sephiroth sped up his movements and…  
  
Another blink. “Well,” Zack said calmly. He ignored the heavy breathing and grunting, and picked up the files he had dropped. He straightened them, and as Sephiroth gave one final, deep grunt, followed by a sigh, Zack walked casually around them, to the opposite side of the table, and a bit out of their way, before plopping down in a seat.   
  
There was a long moment of silence. “Damn it, Cloud,” muttered Sephiroth, to which Cloud chuckled.   
  
“What?” Cloud said. “You didn’t enjoy it?”  
  
“...I would have preferred to last longer than five minutes,” came the grumpy reply.   
  
“You prob'ly got less than that before other people start showing up,” Zack pointed out.  
  
“Longer, later,” Cloud purred.   
  
“I’ll hold you to that, Strife.”  
  
“So long as you disinfect the table afterwards,” Zack said.   
  
Cloud looked at Zack, and tilted his head. “You seem surprisingly unconcerned for a guy who was just imitating a goldfish,” he said, eyes sparkling.   
  
“I think,” Zack said calmly. “I’ve officially given up on giving a shit.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> And thus, Zack gains a zenlike acceptance for the near-constant state that is Sefikura sexing. Thus explaining why he is completely blase about it in the second chapter of "Hybridization", despite being really flustered in "Unprofessional". ;)
> 
> Huge thanks goes to: AsreonInfusion, for creating this 'verse and letting us play in it and just generally being awesome; Icyboots, for inspiring her in the first place (and also being pretty awesome); Tobiroth, for confirming this was as entertaining as we thought it was (and also, being awesome); and TekkaWekka, for beta-reading and helping me fine tune it (and being SUPER awesome, as always <3).


End file.
